One year ago today, the gray sky of the previous day released a storm of sleet and slush. The streets were a patchwork of ice and my driveway was its own dangerous, slippery obstacle course. And still, people came for the second day of shiva. Still, people came for Matt. My memory of this second … Continue reading February 7, 2018…And The Days After
Author: elainesara
February 6, 2018: Funeral
Matt and I didn’t share too much of our story as we lived it. In the beginning, Matt downplayed what he was going through—he didn’t want pity or special treatment; he wanted to feel like himself whenever he could. As our story kept sliding into those darker days, our world slowly shrank until we were … Continue reading February 6, 2018: Funeral
February 5, 2018: Restless
In the days after February 3rd, there was grief and despair and heartache, all the turmoil that was to be expected after a death, but, there was also something else, which was unexpected and surprising and, at times, more overwhelming than the grief and despair and heartache combined. There was a restlessness that struck in … Continue reading February 5, 2018: Restless
February 4, 2018: Matt Glo
Throughout this story, there have been so many days that are meaningful one year after the next, so many days wherein coincidences pile on to each other. On July 3rd, the day Matt’s third tumor was discovered at Duke (and exactly seven months before February 3rd), he and I saw three rainbows in the sky. … Continue reading February 4, 2018: Matt Glo
February 3, 2018
February 3, 2018 started with plans for the next day. G and H had an art therapy session in the morning, and during that session, the therapist suggested we make a family art project. She planned to come to hospice the next day, Sunday the 4th, so we could create something with all four of … Continue reading February 3, 2018
February 2, 2018: The Day Before
G woke up not feeling well on February 2, 2018. She was tired and cold, but not feverish, and after an internal debate that raged into the first minutes of the school day, I decided to let her spend the day at home. Or more accurately, at my sister’s house, because even without knowing that … Continue reading February 2, 2018: The Day Before
February 1, 2018: Nothing Compared To This
One year ago today, I texted a friend and said: This [this sitting beside Matt’s beside doing nothing but waiting for him to take his last breath] is a whole new kind of torture. All the hard days and months were nothing compared to this. One year ago today, the days of inaction, of waiting, … Continue reading February 1, 2018: Nothing Compared To This
January 31, 2018: In The Moment
January 31, 2018 marked Matt’s fifth full day in hospice. Five days of sitting by his bedside, of measuring breaths, of helplessness and hopelessness, and waiting to wake from a nightmare. Five days of reflecting on all the things we had done and all the things we hadn’t had a chance to do. Five days … Continue reading January 31, 2018: In The Moment
January 30, 2018: Without The Glow Of Hope
The letter I wrote to Matt on January 30, 2018 was short, a scant six lines and ninety-seven words. And every time I read it, my heart hurts for that last year version of myself. Because I remember too well the moment that sparked this letter and I remember too well the way the sound … Continue reading January 30, 2018: Without The Glow Of Hope
January 29, 2018: Quiet Hours
January 29, 2018 marked my first quiet morning with Matt. I’m not sure exactly what I did while I sat with him for those hours. The next five days are a blur, one day fading into the next. Sometimes I played music—our wedding song always at least once—sometimes I put on an audiobook for us, … Continue reading January 29, 2018: Quiet Hours