February 7, 2018…And The Days After

One year ago today, the gray sky of the previous day released a storm of sleet and slush. The streets were a patchwork of ice and my driveway was its own dangerous, slippery obstacle course. And still, people came for the second day of shiva. Still, people came for Matt. My memory of this second …

February 6, 2018: Funeral

Matt and I didn’t share too much of our story as we lived it. In the beginning, Matt downplayed what he was going through—he didn’t want pity or special treatment; he wanted to feel like himself whenever he could. As our story kept sliding into those darker days, our world slowly shrank until we were …

February 5, 2018: Restless

In the days after February 3rd, there was grief and despair and heartache, all the turmoil that was to be expected after a death, but, there was also something else, which was unexpected and surprising and, at times, more overwhelming than the grief and despair and heartache combined. There was a restlessness that struck in …

February 4, 2018: Matt Glo

Throughout this story, there have been so many days that are meaningful one year after the next, so many days wherein coincidences pile on to each other. On July 3rd, the day Matt’s third tumor was discovered at Duke (and exactly seven months before February 3rd),  he and I saw three rainbows in the sky. …

February 3, 2018

February 3, 2018 started with plans for the next day. G and H had an art therapy session in the morning, and during that session, the therapist suggested we make a family art project. She planned to come to hospice the next day, Sunday the 4th, so we could create something with all four of …

February 2, 2018: The Day Before

G woke up not feeling well on February 2, 2018. She was tired and cold, but not feverish, and after an internal debate that raged into the first minutes of the school day, I decided to let her spend the day at home. Or more accurately, at my sister’s house, because even without knowing that …

February 1, 2018: Nothing Compared To This

One year ago today, I texted a friend and said: This [this sitting beside Matt’s beside doing nothing but waiting for him to take his last breath] is a whole new kind of torture. All the hard days and months were nothing compared to this. One year ago today, the days of inaction, of waiting, …

January 31, 2018: In The Moment

January 31, 2018 marked Matt’s fifth full day in hospice. Five days of sitting by his bedside, of measuring breaths, of helplessness and hopelessness, and waiting to wake from a nightmare. Five days of reflecting on all the things we had done and all the things we hadn’t had a chance to do. Five days …

January 30, 2018: Without The Glow Of Hope

The letter I wrote to Matt on January 30, 2018 was short, a scant six lines and ninety-seven words. And every time I read it, my heart hurts for that last year version of myself. Because I remember too well the moment that sparked this letter and I remember too well the way the sound …

January 29, 2018: Quiet Hours

January 29, 2018 marked my first quiet morning with Matt. I’m not sure exactly what I did while I sat with him for those hours. The next five days are a blur, one day fading into the next. Sometimes I played music—our wedding song always at least once—sometimes I put on an audiobook for us, …