September 30, 2017: Chest X-Ray

Flashes of memory from September 30, 2017 exist in my mind. Each remembered moment is charged with anxiety, with the feeling that we (Matt and I) were so close to the edge of a cliff that our toes were hanging off the edge. The fall was coming and we couldn’t stop it. That charm that …

September 29, 2017: Another ER Trip

One year ago today, I panicked. The best way I can describe my thought process is to say that I was worried the other shoe was about to drop and I thought I might be able to catch it before it crashed to the ground. The day was difficult. The pain, the temper, the inability …

September 28, 2017: An Hour At The Office

One year ago today, Matt returned to work at his office. Or, he tried to return to work at his office. He’d been so nearly himself the day before—engaging with G and H, taking conference calls, interested in returning to normalcy—that when he’d broached the idea of heading into the office, I’d supported him wholeheartedly. …

September 27, 2017: A Last Anniversary

I wrote that September 1st marked our present season. After the anniversary of our engagement and Matt’s birthday, came our wedding anniversary. One year ago today, we celebrated our last anniversary together. I remember a text message sent to me by a friend on September 27, 2017. I don’t have a record of the text …

September 26, 2017: Physical Therapy

Duke suggested that Matt try physical therapy—in addition to acupuncture—to help control the pain in his neck and back. We scheduled Matt’s first appointment for September 26, 2017. No text messages or photos exist to capture this visit, which remains captured in my imperfect memory simply because it was a first. The physical therapist brought …

September 25, 2017: Consistent

By September 25, 2017, our days had lost any kind of consistency. A good night was followed by a difficult morning, which all had no bearing on the kind of afternoon we could expect. The severity of Matt’s headaches, his pain, his confusion level, and his temper fluctuated throughout the day and no particular pattern …

September 24, 2017: Football Sunday

Matt reserved Sundays in the Fall for football. When we first started dating, Matt’s obsession with football baffled me. I couldn’t understand the compulsion to spend an entire day parked in front of the television watching a game I didn’t understand. After we had kids, Matt’s obsession with football (still baffled me, but) gave way …

September 23, 2017: Potential For A Miracle

On the morning of September 23, 2017, Matt was still connected to the EEG machine. More than twenty-four hours had passed since he’d started the test and we were both ready to hear the results and leave the hospital. We had a family event to attend in the early afternoon at which Matt had been …

September 22, 2017: EEG

I made arrangements for G and H for the day and headed back to the hospital on September 22, 2017 to sort out our next steps. Because, obviously, we needed next steps. Whatever our plan had been—wait for the bleed to resolve on its own—was not working. His pain level remained high. Too high. His …

September 21, 2017: Seizure Activity

September 21, 2017 is a heartbreaking first. I usually give a few days warning before a story like the one I’m about to write, but September 21st arrived without warning for us. I searched the emails and photos, the texts and my memory for some sign that might have alerted us to the events of …